When You Think You’re Not Enough

Relationships are enchanting.

I remember being a little girl and watching all of these movies about how my prince will someday come. If not my prince, then a white knight destined to save me from my perilous life.

That I’m gay never changed that slightly.

That I actually had a perilous life at times, only aggravated that perception of needing to be saved.

I felt like I was constantly waiting to be rescued.

There wasn’t always a conscious recognition of what it was, but I just felt like when I met the right person, all the pieces of my life would come together in this wonderful reverie.

I was always chasing something or someone.

Once I found relationships, I was fully immersed in the fantasy of them. They’re perfect if you don’t feel like you’re good enough, in that they poke and prod those beliefs to the surface, though they’re often masked by how powerless you feel while in them.

The degree of powerlessness you feel in a relationship is a direct indication of how good enough you think you are.

There. I said it.

It was all too easy to live for the rush of what the relationship would do for me and how it would meet my needs, rather than seeing that on the other side of the curtain, the Wizard of Oz was really just a human being with as many (if not more, in a few cases) needs for love as I and *gasp* flaws! The horror!

I don’t know that I ever got to know who the people were that I was in relationships with so many years ago. I only got to know myself better because I fell in love with what I believed about them.

We do this, don’t we?

Not just with relationships but with a lot of experiences outside the realm of romance.

We think that getting a job will save us.

We swear up and down that once we have that new car, then things will make sense and we’ll be able to do the things we couldn’t before.

We tell ourselves that only when we get the beach body, will we be able to invest in really nice clothes we want and then things will make sense.

I’m going to burst your bubble here, so forgive me if we don’t know one another well enough yet…

It’s just a job.

You give it its meaning.

It’s only a few pieces of well crafted metal on wheels.

You were just as free before.

It’s another person’s concept of what beautiful is.

You determine what it means for you.

You were a living, breathing human being before them and chances are, you’ll be one afterwards. They were just a perception, anyway. They weren’t real because if they were, you couldn’t attach meaning to them and beat yourself up with it afterwards. That’s a construction of your own making.

Think about that.

If they were ‘real’ and not a perception, you couldn’t beat yourself up with them.

Anything that is real, won’t hurt you.

Chuck Spezzano has a book whose title I adore (and believe everyone should read at least once), that sums this concept up perfectly.

“If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love.”

Powerful, no?

I will be forever grateful for all that my relationships taught me because when someone rubs your soul spots raw you have to finally tend to them. Running ceases to be an option.

Wait, soul spots?

I think of them as those places inside where we put band-aid after band-aid on them, trying to cover up and hide all the things we’re keeping from ourselves. It’s where the “I’m not good enough” and “No one could ever love me” hide with their friends and convince us that ripping the band-aid off is going to hurt more than it will to let the spot fester.

While it may sound bold to say, I don’t know that any human being has a fear greater than not being good enough or not being lovable. It seems that everything else we fear, stems from those two dark corners of the soul, guiding both our decision and indecision.

I’m here to tell you, that facing them won’t kill you.

In fact, you might find that you are the white knight you’ve been looking for.

It’s what A Course in Miracles refers to when speaking about special relationships.

Pedestals.

Specialness.

Fantasy.

Idealizing.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with positive expectation because I believe that the Universe we live in is one that is constantly pouring good things on us, to the degree that we choose to let it in.

And I do know that there are awful things happening to people all around the world. In fact, a number of them happened to me but I’ve chosen to use them and become a better woman because of them, rather than despite them. Stick around and you’ll likely see my story pop up on here at some point.

Ultimately, when we enter into a special relationship, we rely on someone else to save us.

We believe we’re not enough.

We only look to the direction of the sun that we revolve around,  instead of the places we’re meant to go.

We were never meant to be deeply rooted in the ground, facing only one way.

We are meant to fly and to know freedom. 

Spread your wings. 

Soar.

And remember that yes, you are enough.

Who would you be without the need to be saved from yourself or your life?

What gifts would you be able to use?

What would you be free from?

What would you do that you relied on others for?

There is no one who will save you because the fact is, you don’t need saving.

You’re actually quite brilliant as you are.

Not fluff.

Truth.

There is no quick fix, so let go of the idea of finding the drive-thru.

There is a richness is being able to savor every moment of this. It’s supposed to take time because you’re worth savoring.

Just keep repeating to yourself that you are enough.

…because you are.

Life will transform around your evolving understanding of that.

As one of my teachers says…

figureoutable

…and this is no different.

On The Wings of Miracles,

~Cheryl~

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