There will be days no one prepared you for.
What do you do when things don’t go the way you planned?
When the first thing to leave your lips is, “Not.fair.”
A belief in fairness is without a doubt, the quickest way to rob yourself of joy.
You see, if life is unfair, there first had to be a you somewhere out there, living that “fair” life. It can only lead you to the conclusion that someone or something isn’t good enough, otherwise you would be living that other life, right? And justlikethat you’re at war with yourself.
I used to hold it against others when they didn’t share or treat me fairly, forgetting that I was the one choosing to engage them.
Trust me when I say, I’ve had enough run-ins with perceptions of fairness to really get this…
When I was 16 I was raped and was told by the police officer who I filed a report with, “Look at sex as like riding a bike and this time you fell off.” The words are forever emblazoned in my mind because I believed for years that I was to blame because of that comment and the lack of physical evidence necessary to press charges. Unfair.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship where a partner attacked me. The police lost all the records of the original report so I had to file a new one, without the wounds or bruises I had the first time, meaning that the person who attacked me got off without any charges because all the evidence to press charges with, was lost. Inexcusable.
I’ve had lesser ones as well, where others have given their perceptions of situations rather than both sides of the story and people believed some pretty malicious things about me. Unjust.
What the hell do you even do with those things?
Get angry? Close yourself off? Live in fear? Stay in those places? Justify the beliefs you have now?
Or say screw it, and keep building the life you want anyway?
There’s no map sometimes, and that’s okay. The stress that comes from trying to figure out how to navigate back to the beaten path can leave anyone in a state of, “That’s IT! I’M DONE AND WANT MY PIECE OF CAKE, TOO!” …because someone stole the compass. And map. And car. And tent. And food. And it’s raining….I could go on.
I used to look at certain events and mourn the fact that fairness had once again passed me by, trying to create meaning out of things I couldn’t control.
“It must have meant that I was _____ type of person for those things to happen.”
The only conclusions we can come to, when looking at the world as a fair or unfair place are negative ones. Most of the time, they embody the darkest feelings we have about ourselves. They justify and protect the beliefs that hold us back.
Not good enough.
Life doesn’t come with a manual and that’s why forgiveness every day is a necessary habit. Namely, forgiving ourselves for the illusions about how it should be, that we cling to and hold against ourselves as we review the day before bed.
When you let go of that vision of fairness, you open yourself and your life to true possibility. You free up your energy to move forward instead of looking back constantly. You stop looking at the future in terms of what happened then and you begin the process of seeing it in terms of what you can do now.
The outcry we stir up by asking about when things are going to be fair for us, distracts us from our power; we stop looking at what we still have to work with.
Sometimes all you can do is on an hour-by-hour basis, check in with yourself about what you can do to stay above the fray and feel good.
It’s not a sign of weakness but one of understanding how to use your strength.
Whether or not life is fair might be the least of your concerns.
Whether or not it’s a joy to experience.
That is what makes you smile into your pillow as you drift off to sleep at night.
That is the thing that you can carry with you and is something within your control.
That’s what matters more to me than whether or not my life is “fair”.
And based on how it feels, I cannot recommend it enough.
On The Wings of Miracles,
That was the most I’ve shared about some really hard things and I’ve held back on sharing them because my intention is to create more joy, rather than generate sympathy.
There was no manual telling me how it should or shouldn’t be or that others should treat me a certain way and in no way am I trying to minimize rape or physical abuse. It sucked to go through and I could spend hours talking about the semantics of who, what, where and when. All I have now are the facts though: they happened and I have to do something with them. I’m choosing to use those experiences in positive ways because they were out of my control and it just feels better. It means that I still have a life ahead of me and that it can be amazing. I would rather be considered someone whose fierce determination and inclination for joy far outweighed any tendency towards merely surviving the hard things. In other words: I’m doing just fine because of them not in spite of them and want to put those hard things to good use so that other people can take valuable things from them. I still sing in the shower, I still dance while cooking dinner, I still know what it means to forgive, I still know what it means to trust others and fall hook and tumble in love.
What I’m really trying to say is that everything is going to be just fine ❤