There are some days where all I want is to say something back.
It’s not quite the final word but it’s a second last word, attempting to be heard.
Even as I write this, I’m finding myself steeped in very recent memory of feeling frustrated at how other people are acting.
When we rely on other people to act in any way so that we might feel better about a thing, it traps us.
Immediately we cage ourselves and throw away the key.
The antithesis to surrender, it becomes a way to keep the upset alive and fuels the fire of negative feelings inside.
If we still have yet to process some feelings or the specifics of a situation, we hold onto it. Sometimes like it’s a lifeline, because the feelings are a great comfort for us. It’s easier to look to others to see how wrong they were or how wrong they are instead of looking within ourselves to focus instead on how much love we’re giving. It’s just so much easier to think of it in terms of what they are doing.
I can admit that in recent weeks there have been times where I wasn’t giving much love at all. Not in its most pure form, anyway. I was holding too tightly to the feeling that I had good reasons to be upset at the people I was upset with. It’s not as though I was invincible but inside me, was a part that was ready to wait for a long time until there was a recognition of the slight I felt at their hands. Not because I wanted to see their downfall but because I wanted them to hear that they hurt me, deeply.
Sometimes we can be heard and other times it’s an invitation to listen to what’s really happening within us. The times where we long for that sense of justice or fairness (which is a nice idea but not the most solid concept) are really gifts that are being given to us slowly.
The part I forgot, however, was that no one can constructively contribute to your person when you’re reaching out of places of pain. Sure, they might offer short-term solutions, but if you’re unable to hear them from a place of strength, anything they have to say could be their greatest apology in one moment and turn into their worst insult in another. Not because their words have changed, but because you hear them from totally different places.
The surrender I needed to be doing had less to do with other people and far more to do with me. If it did have anything to do with them, I would always or never be upset by their actions, rather than having good or bad days in relationship to their actions or inaction. Why is it that on one day, I can be almost completely un-fazed by an action that, on another day, undoes me from the inside, out? It couldn’t be that way, if I was not playing the largest role in the dynamic.
It’s about standing before my desire to be heard and setting down the feeling that I must be heard in order for me to find peace within.
The realization that it has nothing to do with the others around me.
Inner peace is not a symptom.
Inner peace is not a condition.
It is a choice.
It’s not a result.
It’s a decision.
Were it a result, it would have so much more to do with others. It would be something that happens to you, instead of from you.
The reality is that it is a commitment we make in a moment of decision where we understand that it’s about laying down the things we feel we need to keep us protected.
Taking a deep breath and remembering that it is okay that we don’t have all the answers and that we don’t need to have the ripest comebacks when others hurt us. No matter how true and no matter how much we feel they’re justified.
Make peace your choice.
Lay down the need to say something back.
And watch as multiple doors open for you.
Not just the ones to your heart.
But to the experiences you’ve been yearning for the most.
On The Wings of Miracles,