I’m taking my sweet time to find you, I know.
I thought for a while that I wanted to create this version of me, that was so different from who I really was, because I didn’t think I was good enough and had to painstakingly search for you among my other dreams-come-true; that I would become my ideal self and you would magically and neatly appear, as though my stress somehow qualified me for joy.
The reality is that matters of the heart are much messier, which is a wonderful thing because what all those cracks did was let the light in so I could see all of this so clearly now.
I still don’t know who you are but the one thing I have learned, is that my life is pretty amazing as is and maybe that’s the real gift you’ve given me.
Without you here, I’ve been forced to learn truths about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to if you just showed up. I had to rely on parts of myself that used to lay dormant in relationships; now I don’t want those things to go anywhere even when someone’s by my side; if anything, I’m better able to love someone because of them and I’ve learned what it means to be comfortable in my own skin.
I used to think of love as a romantic thing, but I know now, that there are so many different kinds of love that we so desperately need to fill up our days. I waited for romantic love to sweep me off my feet and missed all of the other types of it that have shaped me more powerfully than romance.
Life was measured in brief moments of time, punctuated by encounters with people who I kept thinking you’d be; It was a constant search and it was exhausting.
I never stopped to ask how much fun I was having or what I was learning, but instead I was petrified and filled with anxiety over permanence and signs; or I would create this illusion of the person I was with, dreaming up various perfect versions of you without ever knowing you. And now I just want to have fun with you. I want to laugh at stupid things and have inside jokes, creating a vernacular and ever evolving vocabulary that we call our own. I want to communicate and create through the tough stuff with you.
People have given me hundreds of tips on how to find you…
Loosen up. Don’t be afraid of losing yourself to passion. Play the field. Be less of a bookworm and get out more. Sleep around. Be messy with your heart. Don’t think so much. Maybe think a little more next time. Stick to your interests. Care a little less.
And each time I thought about the outcomes, I felt less like myself and further away from the person I wanted to be when our paths crossed.
I know now.
You are a sunrise.
I cannot keep you, nor can I hold onto you. I can ask nothing of you and the most I could do, the most I would ever want to do is be grateful for your existence here; even without knowing me, you’re inspiring me to do powerful, meaningful and impactful things.
All you do is shine and to be lucky enough to bask in that is enough. All I could ever want is for you to be yourself and I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but like a prism, what you see right away doesn’t seem like much until light reflects through it and you see every single color of the rainbow.
I can’t ask anything of a sunrise, only of myself when I behold it; that I’m present enough to really see it in all its wide-open splendour, free from distraction. That is how I see you. It’s not your job to take care of me or do anything other than be okay with yourself. I want to discover you and rather than feel like I knew you all along, I want to be caught up in the bliss of realizing that I know so little, because there are so many parts of you I can learn about. It means that I won’t tire of the desire to know every inch of your mind and that boredom won’t render me blind to the contents of your heart.
I’ve spent so much time in relationships trying to side-step pain and people have suggested that I find someone who makes the pain worth it. The truth is that I don’t want to train my gaze to the hurts because I have faith in my strength and in yours too, to know that our shoulders are broad enough to carry temporary hurts as long as we’re fuelled by the understanding that we’re not in this for ourselves alone; that we’re in this for what we have to give, with everything I’ve come to understand, it is this one thing: relationships are a space of constant giving.
People lose their sweetness when constantly focusing on the bitter parts and trying to avoid pain means that I would constantly be looking for the dark in you, when I would much rather be looking at your light because that’s who you really are.
You, are a sunrise.
You come and go as you please, whether or not I sit at the shore and you shine regardless. You set the sky ablaze and light up the whole world simply because you’re free enough to do so. While it may seem as though I take no sides, it’s simply because I want to ensure that your world is of your choosing and that you never lose sight of the things that made you greet the world warmly, before I ever basked in your rays.
And while I’m incredibly shy at explaining these things in person, play my cards a little closer and take a little time to test the waters, I want you to know that when I’m staring at you and stumbling over my words, what I’m really trying to say is,
It’s really nice to meet you, Beautiful.
On The Wings of Miracles,