There are some times, where you won’t have closure.
You can reach and wrangle and grasp your finest straws but it will forever elude you.
The reasons are so many that they could fill their own libraries but that’s not the point of closure.
What I’m learning is that closure isn’t about whether or not we know why a thing happened, but that we understand how our worth fits into that picture.
Closure is really us reaching for the notion that we’re not as unlovable as we sometimes feel and that we’re not as guilty as we make ourselves out to be. When things detach and we’re not at the helm and don’t get to withdraw first, like we’re showing up to a gun fight in an old Western novel, we feel awful about ourselves but not because of the events that caused things to unfold.
Whenever I think about the pain that something leaves in its absence, I ask myself whether it’s about the thing I’m missing or the feeling I have about it.
When it came to relationships or projects that didn’t quite go as planned, I realized something important about closure that made it a gift for me instead of the once painful terrain.
We lose the ability to see ourselves with honest eyes when something in our lives goes missing and we think it has to do with us. Our fears and vulnerabilities are so raw and so there that instead of you and the person in front of you, you’re joined by a roomful of your exes, failed attempts at new things and critics from your past.
And in that space it’s as though you’re reminded of all the reasons why you’re not enough, are unlovable and why you don’t deserve something.
And I’ll throw some good truth serum into the mix and say this about all those thoughts that surface…
They’re the highest and most hurtful form of bullshit there is because if you were any of the things you tell yourself, you would have your own reality show and probably an A&E special or two.
There’s no salve for a heart that hurts without closure, but I can guarantee you that the things we have no explanations for that hurt the most are gifts because where it hurts and the reasons we create to deal with them tell us more about how we feel about ourselves. This is where even in the most painful situations, other people become our mirrors and our gifts.
They tell us where we love ourselves the least and the most beautiful part of the equation is that they leave, giving us all the room we need to focus on growing that love for ourselves.
If that’s not a blessing, I don’t know what is.
So if you’re reaching for closure or wondering why without having a reason, remember that you don’t need to know all the reasons.
You’re just here to love yourself and each of these little things gives you all the tools you need to know how to do that in more powerful and meaningful ways. The idea isn’t to avoid the pain but to find a way to see it for what it is and what gift it could be and search for that gift more than the slew of reasons.
Take a look in the mirror, marvel at what you see and love the hell out of that person before you because my word are you ever wonderful.
On The Wings of Miracles,