I used to want big things.
I still do, but something’s changed in how I want them and the hope that bridges belief and faith that they will come true.
When I was younger and through my teens, there was often a struggle financially and admittedly, we grew up at about the poverty line. Being candid, I don’t know how on earth my Mom raised two kids on about $35,000 a year, but she did it. That early experience gave me a taste of what true gratitude means and it also instilled in me, a whole lot of desire for a different kind of life.
They say there’s a hunger and fire in some people but there are few motivators like being so broke that it’s not your fears that keep you up at night, but your literal hunger pains from having too little eat because you couldn’t afford rent and to eat well at the same time.
There were days where I would be building my vision board, outlining my goals and with an ache that spread into so many things I was involved in, I remember wishing for the big wins. Winning the lottery. Winning a car. Winning a house in one of those massive sweepstakes.
The big difference was that in daydreams someone was always saving me from the life I was in, plucking me from the life I was living and placing me into some other Universe that wasn’t so hard. I found myself blinded by the promise of big things coming to me to save me from what felt like a life that was more often cruel than kind.
What I eventually realized, was that what I thought was a belief in big abundance was actually me asking the Universe to play small.
I was saying I believed in big things yet standing with empty hands, desperately crying out in the quiet moments for life to save me from how awful it seemed. I was looking at and focusing on the parts of me and this life that reiterated why I should feel small/why I am small and asked the Universe to play big, when it doesn’t work that way.
I wanted the lottery because I didn’t trust my own ability to earn. I didn’t believe I deserved good and so I had to hope for a one-time, once-in-a-lifetime, luck-of-the-draw opportunity to wash over me because my mind was playing so small that it couldn’t fathom it coming any other way.
I released the need to negotiate with the Universe for immediate relief from a problem that could eventually become a gift.
That deep yearning I felt for years helped mobilize me and by no means am I passing judgement on those who buy lottery tickets or who hope for big dreams to come true. I still have those big dreams, too. What I’ve learned to ask more than for relief from the things about this life that make me so uncomfortable and so uncertain of the outcome, is the mindset to move through them and become a “better me” as a result.
From where I’m standing now, I’m glad the lottery didn’t save me because I needed to realize the strength I had to save myself and I would have never known it, if I hadn’t face down the demons that told me I didn’t deserve it. I had to ask hard questions about where I wanted to go in this life and how I wanted my life to look. I had to find strengths I never thought I possessed and stand in courage that I could hardly believe was my own. The catch twenty-two of things like this, is that until we understand we’re enough, we don’t believe we deserve, so we push away, sabotage or stay stuck in place even when the “big stuff” in life come to be.
There is power in re-framing those moments where our soul is aching for instant relief. Most of the time it’s an invitation to go deeper and if it hurts so much that we need it away now, it’s because we’ve forgotten what we bring to the situation. It means we’ve gotten busy comparing what others have around us and trying to measure our success at handling difficulties with skills that we don’t have, that we were never meant to; our life requires a specific skill set and when we wish we had anything different we waste the energy we could be using to find out how to develop what our skills and gifts might be. It was revolutionary when I first introduced the concepts into my world, because life taught me that ‘enough’ was not a word that could ever come from my vocabulary.
What I have is enough. Who I am is enough. What I know is enough.
I’ve stopped wishing for the “fairies” of the Universe to deliver the perfect life to my doorstep because when I’m blind to how perfectly everything is working out, I fail to see that more good than I ever could have imagined is happening right here and right now.
Once we “get it”, we understand that when the big, amazing, wonderful stuff comes to us, it’s by way of our belief in ourselves, our trust in the Universe and in how abundant life truly is. Don’t be tricked into believing that you can only see your situation in one way because the truth remains no matter what you choose to focus on..
What you know is enough. Who you are is enough. What you have is enough.
Everything else sprouts from the seed of resolve that grows when you remember those three things to be true
This moment is the birthplace of your greatest desires, if you allow it.